Sometimes in life, all we do is beat ourselves up, look back… have guilt.. and this is where I have been last few days..
When I was young I wanted to have more than one child, I never wanted just one because of my life. My life was a bit unusual, well to me, and I had never met anyone in my younger days like mine..
An only child of an only child and my dad left when I was young. I know I never missed a dad as I had my grand-dad, but for some reason, I always missed a mum. I lived with my nan and granddad from the age of 5 until 11.
My nan was good to me, but very un emotional even with my granddad. My mum was the same, but when I did see my dad once, when he spoke about my mum, I thought who was this, so, at that point I realised the damage he did with his ways and other women, my mum just shut down.. she had a good man when she remarried when I was 14.
My daughter due to her business wrote about herself
My 3 year old daughter hit me.
And in that moment all my pent up anger and frustration came out as I picked her up by her shoulders and screamed so loud in her face – barely an inch away from mine – took her to her room and threw her on her bed like a discarded rag doll.
When I saw her sobbing inconsolably, pleading with me with her eyes, it’s like I woke up.
I saw me.
My inner child who wanted nothing more than to be loved.
And I realised in that moment that I had turned into my mum, unleashing generations of wounds, anger and insecurities onto the one person I’d always vowed to protect.
What she wrote, not only hurt me to the core, but made me look back and go over from the day she was born.
When she was 10 months it was noticed she was not sitting up right… and ended up in a splint, so I carried her everywhere as it was hard for he to get around.. but she did pulling herself on her arms.. Because of this.. we formed a bond, people use to say we had a bond.. I know all parents bond with their children, but obviously they saw something else..
For as long as I can remember, up until about 11, she always held my hand, if I went next door to neighbours, she always came with me.. what hurts me is that she also wrote she felt unloved, hurt, shocked.. she was always loved, never ever pushed away.. always supported by me with her school work.. if she need things for school I always got them..
What was even more hurtful, and maybe I over reacted, is that my daughter talks of throwing her daughter on the bed, something I have never ever done, but I have when young, put her in her room not often as she was a very good child, and very quite, but was a chatter box with her friends..
At the age of 11 ish.. she pulled away.. and maybe my fault that I kind of let her pull away, maybe I gave up on something, or maybe it was just another episode in my life where you are not wanted and thought sod it.. but, I have never took any anger our on my kids because of my parents..
All I had inside of me was hurt.. feeling lost and looking for motherly love.. and this went on for years.. When I did have anger, it was due to teen years.
The biggest mistake of my life was when we moved. We had one house that subsided so had to move to a council house.. but, our kids were told, we were moving back down south.
The times comes, we move, unknown to us at the time, it was put to our daughter she could stay in the area to finish her schooling, the parent went over our head and spoke to her first..
I could see her unhappiness, and I know I could feel it too… which made me unhappy. One of my vowels from when I was younger prob before I had children or just when I did, and due to my unhappiness of being shoved around mums, nans and childminders, there were many times I felt so unhappy, that if my kids ever felt unhappy with me/us I would let them go.. so the time came for me to do this.
Letting a child go and live with someone you do not really know, and trusting your child, and in this case I did, as my daughter was very mature.. and a fantastic student who done very well in school and was popular too..
When she went to live else where.. she changed, when I look back, did she feel rejected because we let her go.. did she feel we did not love her because we let her go.. did anyone say, if your parents cared, they would not of let you go.. maybe we were weak.. but, I could see really see and feel she was so unhappy.. I did love her enough and trust her to let her go.. it was a very hard two years as things were not good at all, what went on where she lived, I will never know, but all we got was phone calls, come and get her. This is in the past now but things get triggered and looking back brings it up.
There has been many times when I have looked at my children and think how could they love me.. I just did not get it…
When she came home, she did settle in some ways, she got a job at KFC and Hungary horse, she was and still is a worker.. but things never got back to how they should of been.. arguments, and this was when I had my anger, which was general anger over her behaviour.. and not having one person to turn too, no one to talk too.. I know yes I went crazy at times.. because you ask yourself why.. why does this happen when you did try your best.. you let her go..
I will hold my hands up, that with all my children, come their teens, I know I shut down, I did not have a clue.. one of my wants when I use to look ahead.. I wanted to be their friend.. but it never happened..
I clashed with my younger son, the baby of family.. even my husband said two years ago, we are alike.. but then over the last few years.. I started to see my mother more and stayed at hers longer as I had moved away… and then I realised how much of me was my mum and my mum.. instead of trying to talk to my children in their teens, I suppose I was always ready to be defensive, then blow.. we have ideals of how we would like out kids to be in their teens.. no one wants them going right of the rails.. but who did I have to turn too.. My husband, had no idea.. so it was like the blind leading the blind! but he was non confroting, whereas I would confront..
When I was young, I was put down, lost confidence, use to go red as a beetroot, as was so self conscious… I made a vowel never ever to put my kids down.. I could not let them have that as I knew the damage it would do… Obviously when they went off the rails.. yes I would moan to my husband in despair… it was no good trying to talk to my mum as she had no clue.. my husband use to say.. how could I talk to her about anything, she never bought me up, never had a clue and all she could do was critise.. and put me down..
My husband and I let all three have as much freedom and independence as possible, Our daughter was always staying at friends.. I never wanted her to be like me.. few friends.. as I for some reason shut away when I was a kid.. one friend was enough.. and I would cling to that one friend…
Maybe that was wrong too and could be seen, she was not loved or wanted.. I really do not know..
Fast forward to nearly 12 years ago, we went to live in Spain.. mainly for the weather, we done the stock market, youngest went to Thailand, the other two had left home and getting on with their lives.. and did seem happy.. but looking back, it was the wrong thing to do.. just because you think your family are okay.. and because we also felt they did not want us either, the same that they felt we did not want them.. it was another reason.. we would not be missed..
But the biggest mistake of all, was our move to Thailand.. it started off, My youngest message me and said his girlfriend is pregnant.. then.. they are getting married come to the wedding… then it was put to us about some land and having a house built.. my husband and I thought it would be nice to see our grandchild, and help if they were both working as his girlfriend mum and dad lived too far to have everyday help.. although normally, the grandparents do normally bring up children…. they would go and live with them.. while parents work..
So we went.. again we thought.. kids are getting on with their lives.. and my husband more than me wanted to go.. as we had both said, after spain.. no more living abroad… so we went.. Although our kids were adults and did not need mum and dad around ..I do feel at some point, we did hurt them because it seemed like we had chosen our youngest over them.. but it really was for grandchild.. then the 2nd one came along.. the plan was a couple of years three the max.. and sell the house make some money and come back.. but at first and I talk about me… I never once thought, how would they feel.. hurt, rejection? care, not care.. but moving there was I feel the final nail in the coffin, for us as a family..
I got worse in Thailand, where I was just shutting down more and more, I was so unhappy, I never ever will regret going, as I saw my grandchildren, helped my son and his wife.. and as time went on, I did feel like a family unit and felt accepted by the Thai side..then once the children went to school, it was get up, sit around.. too hot.. money was very tight.. we really wanted the house to sell..
I realised how shut down I was becoming.. I was just existing .. that I then knew it was time to look at me.. why was I so unhappy.. and yes even when my children were born .. being a parent I was unhappy.. not angry.. unhappy ..
So I started EFT.. and it was not until then, I saw how far back my unhappiness, being dead inside when.. it went back to a two year old.. there we never ever any happiness and laughter when I was young.. and I know my children did not really see me and my husband messing around too…although they did have fun with friends.. and friends stayed etc.. it was just not the same..
One day on my EFt, this was two years ago, my granddaughter walked in, she was coming up 3 .. her bright eyes.. her happiness.. I just burst into tears once she went out the room as I was having a session.. it was then I realised how fucked up I was inside the pain was unbearable..
All my life I lived in fear, I was very insecure.. I had put up massive walls, I was miserable, it was deep and embedded inside.. Yes I loved my children.. I wanted them to have what I never had.. but at some time, I must of either acted in a way.. or given of some vib they were not loved.. the same as I felt about my mum to me.. unloved ..
The best feelings in the world are love, being happy, laughing, visting family… being part of family and or extended family.. a feeling of belonging.. that you are part of something..
The past two years, being back in England, I have had to re programme myself, as mad as that sounds.. I have watched our familes interact.. its so hard to explain.. I have in some ways at first pushed myself to join in with visiting.. it was hard at times.. but as the families were and are lovely, unconditional.. friendly, it has been a pleasure being part of this life.. something I never ever had and it was kind of alien to me! it was just me, nan, and granddad.. my nan bless her was not socialable, neither was my mum and sadly, I went inside myself was became them.. but, sadly my husband had family that done their own thing, so never got to come out of that shell with them as we did not see them.
There were three other commitments I made myself… to always be there for my children.. to help in any way I can and no matter where I am living, there will always be a roof for them if needed… which none of these applied to my mum to me.. she was… you made your bed now you lie in it..